Another guest post from Lavado Verde:
If you’re like me, CSA sign-up season is an uncomfortable time. Sure, you want to support farmers, but you don’t want to commit to picking up produce at a dirty farm, or worse yet, some community gathering place where you’ll have to talk to neighbors. And you’re not sure you want all those leeks.
Fortunately, I’ve come up with a new type of CSA, one that eliminates the inconveniences of the traditional model. This year I’m supporting “Corporate Super Agriculture” or “Chain Store Agriculture.” The words don’t really matter. The main thing is the acronym, which will give you a license to act superior with zero commitment.
While traditional CSA suckers subscribers are stuck picking grubs out of their lettuce bunches, I’ll enjoy triple-washed, pesticide-cleansed bagged baby greens. Come late fall, when traditional CSA subscribers are drowning in root veggies, I’ll enjoy mangoes from Mexico and New Zealand kiwis.
Studies show that people most eagerly embrace new concepts that don’t require any changes in habits or thinking. And that’s the real beauty of my CSA. You can just keep right on buying cheap, flavorless produce, or, if you want, only eat plant matter when it is part of a Kashi freezer meal, acai smoothie additive or pom-flavored carbonated drink. That’s right! Simply shop at your big box superstore, as usual, and you can feel smug about your commitment to a CSA!
Bypass the traditional CSA and the irksome farmer’s market where, sure, the produce is fresh, delicious and affordable, but you won’t get that warm feeling that only comes from supporting a large, faceless corporate entity, or the satisfaction of knowing your dollars are irrelevant and so you bear no personal responsibility.
This spring, while the traditionalists keep shelling out hundreds to their old school CSAs, I, for one, will proudly, and, yes, self-righteously, proclaim, “I already belong to a CSA.”
And my produce may not taste good, but it’s big and pretty.
Lavado Verde is learning first hand how corporate sponsorship can “enhance” the creative process.
Lavado Verde, the infamous environmentalist writer, is back with another guest post. As many of you may remember, Lavado’s next fiction effort is being sponsored by Fracking and Bottled Water interest groups. After a slight snafu, Lavado is out of the hospital and sharing his experience with corporate sponsorship:
I’ve been dismayed surprised to receive not just financial support from The Society for Convenient and Affordable Methane (S.C.A.M.), the sponsor of my upcoming novel, but also creative guidance.
My novel, formerly a teen girl’s survival story set amidst melting polar ice caps in the Arctic, an allegory about climate change, will now feature a struggling farmer in Pennsylvania who gains a miraculous second chance at life and love through a fracking deal.
Most of the people I’ve met in the Marcellus Shale region so far have mixed feelings about hydraulic fracturing. They’re making money, but the money isn’t as much as they need. They’re seeing changes to their hometowns and their lifestyles. Some good, some bad. They’re worried the money won’t last. They’re worried the drilling won’t stop. My hope is that my novel will give these people hope for a brighter future. After all, they can’t get out of the contracts they’ve signed and, believe me, I sympathize with that. So, I say, chin up. Make the best of it. No sense in questioning whether you should have signed that contract when you’ve already spent your endorsement, er, drilling check on a kitchen renovation.
Speaking of endorsement checks, I’m meeting a lot of people who’ve had really positive experiences with fracking. Sure, a number of them no longer feel safe drinking their well water. Yes, some of them have flammable water coming out of their faucets, but they’ve discovered the joys of bottled water. They’ve got those large bubblers, which are entertaining for children and pets.
Bottled water. Convenient, refreshing and even entertaining for the pre-literate.
Apparently, a lot of my eco-minded readers had some strong words to share with Lavado Verde about his recent guest post on my blog. Due to an unfortunate incident, Lavado is currently hopitalized, but,
contractually obligated ever dedicated to promoting his fiction, he has asked me to post the following response to your emails. He also asked that you please remove your picket signs from his lawn.
Several people have written objecting that my prior post failed to address questions about “selling out.”
For those just joining the conversation, The Society for Convenient and Affordable Methane (S.C.A.M.) and The Research Academy for Select Hydration (T.R.A.S.H.) are generously sponsoring my next fiction effort.
Some blog followers have objected that no self-respecting environmentalist would accept cash from frackers. S.C.A.M., though, has always loudly proclaimed itself pro-environment. Who am I to argue with such a large, well-financed organization? Especially one with such a diligent team of attorneys and strong men on retainer? As I’ve learned, arguing with them is ill-advised.
And, kind readers, you should take my word that S.C.A.M. is pro-environment. You won’t win an argument to the contrary. S.C.A.M. has been aggressively tracking down and silencing rebutting critics of this blog.
And to all those writers out there who have contacted me hoping to get in on the sponsorship action, my one piece of advice would be to read your contract carefully before signing. And make sure you understand the jargon. One humble writer’s idea about the meaning of a phrase like “gag order” might be wholly different from the meaning a pack of goons on retainer attributes to those same words.
Ahem. I continue to be grateful for my ready supply of bottled water.