Maybe you married a non-Jew and there’s a chocolate bunny lurking behind the Manischewitz in your cupboard.

Maybe you live in a town where Jews are as rare as California Condors in, well, California.

If so, it’s time to update your Passover Seder.

Simply print out these four questions and paste them over the outdated ones in your family’s Haggadah:

Why IS this night different from all other nights?

  1. Why, on this night, do we have to eat matzo when the bakery around the corner is selling hot cross buns?
  2. How come, if this is supposed to be a holiday, you actually picked out the bitterest herbs you could find in the store?  At Christmas, all of our herbs were integrated into delicious  foods.  Can’t we at least make those herbs into a glaze for a ham?
  3. How come, at snack time, when I told my teacher that I really am allowed to double-dip my graham cracker in the SunButter, you know, since it’s Passover, the official week of double dipping, she was like, “Nice try.  Now please come over and help us finish our school mural of Jesus on the cross?”
  4. Who is this Elijah you keep talking about?  When’s Jesus coming?  Where’s Santa Claus?!  Can’t we at least spend some more time talking about the Pharoah?  He sounded cool.

Rather than answer these questions directly, I recommend that you simply coat each and every one of your matzos in chocolate.*

Take that, Easter Bunny!  Eight days of chocolate!

We Jews have accepted that we can’t win in a contest of holiday fun, but our endurance will ultimately pay off, just like it did during the Christmas-Hanukah face-off.


*For those of you who haven’t figured out how to Google search, here is one of many recipes for chocolate coated matzo available online:  I’m certainly not the first Jew to suggest a sugar-butter-chocolate drenched approach to preserving Jewish traditions.  You call it subverting the ritual of Passover sacrifice.  I call it competing in the modern, multi-faith, Cadbury-crème-egg-dominated world.